Bush creates Jewish safety zone

Sunday, September 2, 2001

Washington D.C. — Responding to the more than 3,000 non-governmental organizations from 44 regions that signed an anti-Semitic declaration at the Human Rights Conference in Durham, South Africa, today, U.S. President George W. Bush has just issued an Executive Order to provide a safe Jewish homeland within U.S. borders.

“This hateful expansion of international anti-Semitism is not to be tolerated,” Bush told reporters. “Israel is our friend. I have taken emergency action in the interest of justice and peace and have signed an Executive Order declaring the state of Florida a new Israeli state. The Israelis will no longer face the threat of fundamentalist Arab terrorists or the criticism of the world’s extremists.”

The news brought a mixed reaction, but support was high. Mary Robinson, the U.N.’s High Commissioner for Human Rights and general-secretary of the U.N. Conference applauded President Bush’s decision as a courageous act in difficult times. “The United States is taking appropriate action to defuse the Middle East crisis while remaining steadfast in their commitment to Israel’s right to exist. The United Nations supports and applauds President Bush’s decision,” she said.

The Plan

When asked by reporters if President Bush had a specific plan to incorporate this New Israel they were told that committee members are hard at work “finalizing the details.” “The first thing that needs to be done, of course, is for all non-Jewish Floridians to immediately vacate their homes and businesses” to make room for the New Israelis who will begin arriving next week. When asked if this wasn’t a violation of the Constitutional rights of the Floridians, President Bush responded, “It is regrettable that some might see this as a negative, but in the interest of world peace Americans must be prepared to make some sacrifices.” The President added that precedents for his decision had already been established during WWII when hundreds of thousands of Japanese, Italian and German Americans were interred in concentration camps for the sake of national security.

Executives of Caterpillar Tractor have been summoned to the White House to discuss implementing part of the plan, which necessarily calls for a security zone between New Israel and the United States. “Even here in the United States there are hateful, anti-Semitic extremists who might try to harm the New Israelis,” Bush said, “so my administration has designated the southernmost fifty miles of Alabama and Georgia as the necessary security zone. Demolition crews will begin work immediately to clear the land of all vegetation and dwellings.” Again Bush was questioned about the rights of the current occupants, but world peace, he said, “outweighs individual rights.”

New Israel will be a sovereign state, but the United States will continue to provide much needed financial and military aid. The U.S. currently provides Israel with $3 to $5 billion per year and President Bush assured reporters that this assistance will continue. “The New Israelis will need our continued support in order to build a wall dividing our two great nations. They will also need to beef up their navy for patrolling the New Israeli coastline.” When asked if this might not pose a threat to our own national security Bush responded, “Israel is our friend and closest ally.”

Plans are already underway to construct New Israeli military outposts in Key West, Sanibel Island and along the border. Families still wanting to visit Disney World will require passports and visas and will need to clear security check points before entering New Israel. For the safety of the inhabitants and in keeping with the overall purpose of providing a Jewish homeland, President Bush declared that no non-Jews would be able to reside in New Israel unless specifically invited or a member of Congress.

Popular radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, who currently lives in Florida, was not available for comment, but an associate quoted Limbaugh as saying, “I meant that they should have all the Arabs' houses — not my house!” Limbaugh is, however, reportedly packing to move back to New York. A staunch supporter of Israel, Limbaugh has repeatedly noted Arab refusal to normalize relations with the Zionists and is prepared now to make his sacrifice for Jewish security.

When asked about possible backlash from ultra right wing Congressional members, Vice President Dick Cheney suggested that extra-judicial killings might be “justified” in such cases.